Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
