Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
