He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
