Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
