I hate all girls vehemently.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Well I just put wine in my tea
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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