knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
