Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
