dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
