I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
