you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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