i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
