I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize
