Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
