I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
