Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
