im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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