we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
