i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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