I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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