I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
