Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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