I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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