I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize