So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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