The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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