Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
