he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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