That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
