you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize