I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize