I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Enjoy the penises
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