By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize