sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
