i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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