I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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