I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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