I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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