At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
