Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
