i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
