Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
