I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
