Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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