when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize