a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
