You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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