My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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