Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
