Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
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