It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
