This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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