I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
