bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
