Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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