walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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