There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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