This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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