omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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